Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
