i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
