i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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