It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
