I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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