I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I need a beard to bite.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
