You just made me feel so damn special
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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