Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
