I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
