This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
