I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
