Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You can't special order awesome
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
