Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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