im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
