I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
