im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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