ya dads aren't the best wingmen
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
