: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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