the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
