I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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