I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
