i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
