so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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