Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
