Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
