I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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