I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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