I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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