K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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