Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
