I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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