Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
