when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
