They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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