dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
