Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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