Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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