Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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