Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
