You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
