My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
