Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
