Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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