note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
