I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
