So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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