sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Of course I have a pirate flag
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
