Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
