She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
