The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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