I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
