Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
